Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
