so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
