enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
