I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
