So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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