I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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