I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
