im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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