Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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