Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
