The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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