I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
