I swear she didn't look like that last week.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
