the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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