Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
