my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
