Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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