I threw up into my coffee this morning.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
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I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
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Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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