his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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