Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
