he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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