the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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