If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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