you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
