Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
They have beer where we have blood.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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