Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
