Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
