I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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