Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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