Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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