did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
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I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
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I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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