It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
