i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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