Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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