literally had 100 drinks last night.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
