I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My ass is underappreciated
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
