her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
