i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
