this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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