im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
