I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
