Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
