Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
