The maid of honor just puked.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
