If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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