Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
