dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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