You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
