my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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