i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
