I just threw up on my dentist
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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