I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
