went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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