Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My feet surprised me
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